Where Are They Now?

A while ago, before the days of t'internet, The Wanky Time reported on a couple of lezzas, named Karen & Camilla Spearchucker. After a discussion with someone the other day, we decided to look them up and see what they were doing these days. After literally 2 minutes searching on t'internet, we realised that in true Wanky Times fashion, we had made the story up, and that these people were just pseudonyms as we didn't fancy getting sued much. So, anyway, here is what they are doing now!

Karen is no longer going by her lezza lover's surname and has changed her name back to it's original name, which is, erm, Wallis, yes, Wallis, that's it. She is no longer a hairy dyke, and is engaged to be married to a man (not a woman pretending to be a man, although, he does have a girl's bike) and has 2 daughters (not lezzas). She does, however, as predicted by The Wanky Times, have a brown sofa, and we suspect she has thousands of cats, although this is categorically denied by Miss erm, Wallis, yes, Wallis, that's it.

As for Camilla, well this is where the story darkens I'm afraid. After Karen cruel heartedley dumped her for not being a man, Camilla's life took a downward spiral. She was drawn into a life of crime, stealing other peoples boyfriends, and then chewing them up and spitting them out, some might say, like a maneater! She finally chose a man, Barry Chuckle off of the Chuckle brothers, and got married. Her sad story doesn't end here, sadly. Barry Chuckle developed a problem, called clickyfingeralitis, which later developed into full clickfingeralitis with sayingboomboomtishaftereverything. So now, poor Camilla has to live with a man that, after every sentence, clicks his fingers and says "boom boom, tish". He is seeking treatment though, and Camilla is hopeful he will make a full recovery. She said to us "Barry Chuckle is in treatment, and I am hopeful he will make a full recovery". They also have a daughter.

So there you are, the happy story of Karen erm, Wallis, yes, Wallis, that's it and not so happy story of Camilla Chuckle nee Spearchucker. I wonder if Camilla's brother is still a cock?

Fat Man's £36,000 Pie Debt!

World renowned fat man Nomis Etagni has secretly run up a £36,000 debt on pies, it emerged last tonight. Etagni, who is married, allegedley ran up the bill without his wife's knowledge. He was able to hide it from his wife by using wet wipes to clean his face after his mammouth gorging sessions. A spokesman for Mr Etagni had this to say "Mr Etagni likes pies. His particular favourites are Pukka Pies, if he gets them from the chippy, or if he gets them, say, from the Co-op, then he likes those ones in the tin that you have to open with a tin opener, you know the ones, Fray Bentos, that's it". Mr & Mrs Etagni were unavailable for comment, as Mrs Etagni was busy handing back their Seat Leon VW Golf Audi A3 to the finance company, and Mr Etagni is grounded, so we made this up - "Nomis has been a very naughty boy by running up £36,000 of debt on pies. I have taken away his Facebook to punish him. He is also not allowed to play out anymore unless I ok it first, and he isn't allowed to talk to anyone either. He certainly isn't allowed in any shops that sell pastry based savoury goods, which isn't just limited to pies. I hope he has learnt a big lesson, as we now can't afford to get our ramshackled house fixed, and have had to hire a blind man to put all our shelves up wonky. He is grounded for the foreseeable future, and now has to do everything I say, more than he did anyway before this". Mr Etagni may or may not have said "I ain't allowed no pies no more. I thought I was for a minute when me wife said I would have to go cold turkey. I thought that cold turkey was a pie flavour, but it don't mean that, it means I can't have any pies ever again. I'm so sad. I love pies I do. My favourite are Pukka Pies from the chippy, and Fray Bentos from the Co-op. I might have to eat dog food to get my fix, as that smells like beef and onion pies". It looks like The Wanky Times' favourite fatty has been a naughty boy!

Wanker Spazzes Out Over Photos!

Olympic wanker Jez "in the closet" Bromfield spazzed out earlier tomorrow over photos his boyfriend took of a local band. He was watching a local band play in Doodahland Village Hall, when his boyfriend started taking pictures of the band. He completely lost it and started shouting things like "why is your band taking pictures of my boyfriend" and "I am an arse bandit". It turns out that he had got himself all confused, as when he asked his boyfriend what he was doing taking pictures of a band, his boyfriend replied "I'm not taking pictures of them, they are taking pictures of me. I don't know why though, cos I am a minger". He then flipped out and demanded to know why the band was taking pictures, as it is his boyfriend and no one should be taking pictures unless he is there and he has given permission for pictures to be taken. In fact, no one should be even talking to his boyfriend without his permission! He then stormed from the hall, dragging his boyfriend with him, and no one has heard from him since. The words "Sulk", "Twat" and "Little Gay Boy" spring to mind.....

Fat Man Gives Birth

The world's fattest man, Nomis Etagni has given birth!! It turns out that all this time he wasn't as fat as we all thought - he was pregnant. He first noticed something was up last Thursday, when he started to get stomach pains. At first he put it down to the 4 palletts of pies and 2 lorry loads of chips that he had eaten as a mid morning snack, but upon investigation by doctors in Kelvedon A&E, he was found to have a baby inside him. A baby boy was delivered by c section on Tuesday. Dr's are baffled as to exactly how he got pregnant, and they suspect that he wasn't pregnant at all, but had inadvertantly eaten a baby, which survived the ordeal. Dr Con Sidderyourselfafriend said "He may have inadvertantly eaten a baby, which survived the ordeal". An investigation into how this happened has been started by Kelveden CID. Any one with info should call 01376 51.... hmm, I'll text you.

Girl Dumps Boy

Ex Olympic Wanker Jeremy Bromfield has been dumped, again. It happened on Saturday in Ipswich. It is rumoured to be because of Jeremy's obssession with the old five knuckle shuffle, and his love of a certain Chocolate Labrador. His girlfriend, Brian, told us "Jeremy never wanted to do anything or go anywhere with me cos he is too busy beating off over my lovely dog. I knew something was up when he started calling me Morph whilst we were having sex." Apparently, she has had suspicions for sometime, but couldn't put her finger on what the problem was. she finally snapped and told Jez "it's me or the dog". Jez chose the dog, but was soon regretting his decision when he remembered it wasn't his dog, and he had unwittingly chosen neither. He is now back on the market for a new bird, so he'll be trawling an internet dating site near you very soon. Look out ladies, he's coming to get ya!!

Two Men In Love

Ex Olympic Wanker Jeremy Bromfield's twin brother has fallen in love - with another man. It all started when Martina Bromfield started work at local retard home Acorn Village. He met a man called Matt, who was his boss, and knew instantly that he was in love. Now they are running of to Bradfield together to do an MA, and they are going to live in an old water tower and have lots of kids. Both Jezzer and Martina were unavailable for comment, so we made this quote up - "I love Matt I do, we want to go up Jumbo together and watch the sunset and we are gonna move to Bradfield and do an MA and get married and have lots of kids but we're gonna adopt as neither of us have a minge". His brother may or may not have said this - "Martina is a rectal-sucking, asshole-sniffing, cum-sucking, penis-chewing cock jockey, and I hope he moves out of my house so I can live here alone and wank off all the time and get lots of cats." We're not sure when the big day is, but we'll let you know. His wedding list is at Elizabeth Duke.

Face Flattened In Motorbike Accident

A woman was left with a flat face after coming off of her motorbike and hitting a wall at 100MPH yesteryear. She is now so ugly, that people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her, and she has to be fed with a fishing rod.

The accident happened as she was riding through Doodahland High Street. One minute she was on her bike, the next she was flying through the air. Doctor's are now worried that she is so ugly, that when she throws a boomerang, it will refuse to come back.

The accident also seems to affected the rest of her body, as she now has a pot belly and a fat arse. In fact, some people are saying that she is so ugly, that George Lucas may cast her in the next Star Wars as Jabba The Huts wife - without the need for a costume.

But don't worry love, as apparently fat bottomed girls make the rocking wolrd go round, although I'm not sure about girls that are so ugly, when they walk into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

Fat Man Causes Helicopter Crash

The world's fattest man, Nomis Etagni, has caused the Essex Air Ambulance to crash. The incident happened yesterday lunchtime shortly after take off. Police Accident Investigator, PC Pinkerton Pat said "Shortley after take off at 12:37pm yesterday, the Essex Air Ambulance crashed. Eye witness say that it seemed to struggle to take off, went into the air, spun round a bit, then crashed. After extensive investigations, we have discovered that it was severely overloaded. It would appear that a certain paraplegic paramedic is too fat to be flying in helicopters, and should stick to waddling along the ground. Mr Etagni is so fat, his arse has it's own MP."

This lead to a barrage of fat jokes, some we have included in this blog. Nomis Etagni is so fat, he sat on a rowing machine and it sank. Nomis is so fat, his passport picture is an aerial view. He's so fat, he makes Free Willy look like a Tic Tac. Nomis is so fat, I had to take 2 planes 3 buses and 5 cabs just to get on his good side.

Fat Man Buys Smart Car

Nomis Etagni, the world's fattest man, has gone and bought himself a Smart car!! This poor decision adds on to a long list of bad decisions he has made in the past, like the time he met a Manc woman off the internet, and got VD for his trouble, and the time he bought a house on a granny estate that turned out to be falling down!! Now experts fear that the fat in his body has eaten the part of his brain that makes decision, resulting in a catalogue of awful choices. Dr Whambam Thankyoumam, of The University Of Kelvedon has done extensive research into Mr Etagni's previous decisions, and has come up with this shocking theory. He stated that "Mr Nomis Etagni has made an extremely large amount of bad decisions over the course of his life. Most individuals make an average of 5 in their lifetime, but he has made hundreds in a relatively short space of time. I therefore conclude that he is so fat that after he got off the carousel the horse limped for a week. Also, that his fat has eaten part of his brain".

The Wanky Times advice to Mr Etagni is go on a diet immediately, before your whole brain gets eaten, or you become so fat that you have to put your belt on with a boomerang. Think of your poor, fat little kids, and the abuse they will suffer at school, getting called names like "Eeee Fatty Boom Boom", and "Pie Eater". Do something before it's too late, if not for yourself, then for your kids!

Olympic Wanker Retires

The world's only Olympic Wanker, Jeremy "Man Gravy" Bromfield has announced his retirement from wanking this morning. In a statement I made up, he says the pressures of work and home life have finally got to him, and he feels he can no longer keep up the pace we had all become acustomed to. Speaking from his home in Colchester (to a lamppost at first, due to his poor eyesight), he said "I've got a bird now innit and she is called Brian and I love her and we have sex and everything".

All we can say here at The Wanky Times is, good luck Jezzer, you monkey-molesting, armpit-licking, toe jam-guzzling, zit-nibbling, arse-faced anal buccaneer! The world of wanking won't be the same without you!!